im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
