Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
