Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
