My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize