I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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