saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize