I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
