I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
