i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
