I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
