So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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