I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
