Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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