I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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