That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
