i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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