Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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