we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
