so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
