Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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