you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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