The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize