so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
