I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
