End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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