I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
