Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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