I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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