dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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