I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
