Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
