I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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