my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize