The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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