my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
should my penis look like a turkey
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
