She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
