This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
