If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
