I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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