So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
