Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
