These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
