I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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