He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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