dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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