I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
