I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
