There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
