smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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