Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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