A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
