I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
