We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
